Wednesday, July 1, 2015

They Can't Have It Both Ways!

  1. Scientists tell us that the dinosaurs were wiped out (pun intended?!) by an asteroid strike that created the Caribbean Sea. [viz. the Alvarez Hypothesis]
  2. Scientists used to tell us that the Caribbean Sea is where Spain (and Portugal - all of the Iberian Peninsula, in fact) used to fit before Pangaea split up and continental drift created the Atlantic Ocean. [viz. the Caribbean and Iberia] (This theory had the added benefit of explaining why Mexicans speak Spanish rather than English.)
  3. Despite the supposed asteroid strike, Spain seems to have existed throughout history, rather than having been pummeled out of existence by an interplanetary interloper.
Is this just the result of multiple, competing theories? Is it simply something in the same vein as "are Sasquatch and Yeti related or are they the same creature?" or "was Zeus and alien pretending to be a god, or was he a man pretending to be an alien?" While that is certainly a possible explanation, there is almost certainly something much more sinister at work here.

What purpose could be served by claiming that the Atlantic is expanding while the Pacific is shrinking?
What purpose could be served by claiming that huge rocks from space crash to Earth and kill nearly all life?
Could it be something as obvious as wanting to drive a wedge between the United States and her traditional European allies while causing a cozying up between the States and the Asian Pacific Rim nations?
Or ... could it be something far more troubling, something far more devious?
Is it aimed at driving us to cooperate with the Japanese scientists working to add color genetically to transparent worms even as our own scientists work feverishly to turn human beings transparent?

There isn't enough evidence to come down firmly on just one of these possible explanations, but we will continue to investigate, and will report back as further information becomes available.

Posted by Listener 43

Friday, February 27, 2015

Apple's Surprise Announcement

Oh great, even without Jobs being there to insert his reality distortion field into the announcements of the upcoming announcement to be announced on March 9th the interwebs are going at least gaga, if not worse.

Just so you don't have to wait more than a week to find out just what those secretive geniuses at the infinite loop (Fruit Lops, anyone?) are going to say, here are the actual facts as we now know them.

Those amazing innovators aren't going to announce a new watch (that was Pebble, did you miss it, bub?). They aren't going to announce a car or truck (Tesla and Google are already busy trying to dismantle the recently-rescued rusty three don't you know). They aren't even going to announce a new iPhone, iPad, or a new name for Siri.

No, they seem to be channeling Luther Burbank rather than Irving Cupertino (or whatever his name really was). After a decades-long program of grafting and cloning, Apple scientists have actually succeeded in creating miniature (or bonsai) versions of the original Macintosh apple tree - and they claim these miniature trees (shrubs?) actually bear full-size fruit. The first successful tree-let was named LISA - Living In-Situ Apple-producer. I kid you not - these guys are brilliant (just ask them).

Now you can belly up to the genius bar and have a glass of hard apple cider while you wait for the indentured hipster to replace the shattered glass in your iPhone.

Yes, the mighty have fallen, folks. Apple is reduced to producing apples.

Posted by Gyro Gearloose